4d6 (Caverns and Creatures) Read online

  “Do you really need to bring the horse?” asked Tim.

  “I’m not going to leave him outside. It’s cold out there.”

  “Why don’t you just dispel it?”

  “We might need him.”

  “How do you even get a horse to go down stairs?” asked Dave. “I read somewhere that they won’t do it.”

  “It’s a magical horse,” said Julian. “It will go wherever I want it to go.”

  Shortly after the curvature of the staircase blocked Tim’s view of the outside, it became too dark him to see. This didn’t affect his rate of descent, as he was operating mostly by touch anyway, and he was following Dave, whose dwarven eyes could see in the dark, but was always slow.

  The darkness didn’t last long. There was light coming from deeper within the cave, faintly illuminating the rough rocky walls of the staircase.

  “Do you see that?” Dave whispered.

  “Of course I do,” said Tim. “It’s all I fucking see.”

  Dave scrambled down the last couple of steps. “Oh. My. God.” His face was illuminated by bright white light. “You guys aren’t going to believe this.”

  When Tim reached the bottom of the stairs, he saw something which, however briefly, brought warmth to his cold drunk heart. “It’s a goddamn Christmas tree.”

  The centerpiece of the subterranean room was a fifteen-foot-tall conical tree in a bathtub-sized brown clay pot. It was decorated with red ball ornaments and white lights, like the ‘classy’ trees they have in department stores.

  “Whoa!” said Julian and Cooper upon reaching the bottom of the stairs.

  “Are you quite all right, sir?” asked Ravenus. “I’m sensing feelings of bedazzlement and wonder which I can’t account for.”

  “Ravenus,” Julian whispered, not taking his eyes off the tree. “Do you know what this is?”

  “It’s a tree, sir.”

  “It’s more than a tree, silly bird. This is a Christmas tree.”

  “I’m afraid I’m unfamiliar with that particular species.”

  Julian laughed. “This is a custom from our world. That means that whoever lives here must be –”

  “Welcome, gentlemen,” said a fat dwarf with green overalls and a bushy white beard who had just stepped out from behind the tree to make his presence known. Tim picked up a hint of malice in his voice.

  “Are you from Earth?” asked Julian excitedly.

  “From where?” said the dwarf. He looked flustered. “Do you honestly not know who I am?”

  Cooper’s eyes widened. “Santa?”

  “What? No!” The dwarf’s fat little fists shook with rage. He thought for a moment. “Here. See if this jogs your memory.” He lay down on the floor and writhed as if in agony. “Oh! No! It’s everywhere! It’s all over me! It’s in my eyes and in my beard!”

  Tim, Cooper, Dave, Julian, and even Ravenus glanced at each other uncomfortably until the dwarf looked up at them expectantly.

  “Dave’s mom?” asked Cooper.

  Dave punched Cooper in the arm.

  The dwarf frowned and stood up. “My name is Gabruk.”

  Tim shrugged. “That name doesn’t ring any bells. I think you might be mistaking us for someone else.”

  “Oh, it’s no mistake!” said Gabruk. “How’s this for ringing a bell?” He reached into the front pocket of his overalls, pulled out a small brass bell, and rang it vigorously.

  Tim looked at his friends, who could only offer shrugs. He turned back to Gabruk. “Good, I guess?”

  “Seize them!” said Gabruk, his eyes focused on something behind them.

  Tim turned around to find a giant green-skinned man, solid from the waist up, but merely a cloud of vapor where his genitals and legs should be, smiling down at him.

  “Whoa!” said Julian, waving his hand through the giant’s gaseous crotch.

  “Please stop doing that.”

  Julian jerked his hand away and stepped back. “Sorry.”

  The floating upper-half of a green man folded his hands and bowed his head graciously as if to say all was forgiven.

  “Are you some kind of air elemental?” asked Julian.

  “I am djinn.”

  Cooper pursed his lips and scratched the back of his head. “Like that Korean dude from LOST?”

  “I gave you a command, Bazuul,” said Gabruk. “Seize them this instant!”

  The djinn bowed his head. “If that is your wish.”

  “Wait! No! Stop!” Gabruk waved his hands in a panic. “That wasn’t a wish. It was a command. I am your master!”

  “I am beholden to you for three wishes,” said Bazuul. “Nothing more. When you make the third, our bond is dissolved.”

  “Hang on,” said Tim, glaring at Gabruk. “Did you wish us here?”

  “Not exactly. I wished to confront you alone. The djinn distorted my wish, cheating me out of my third wish.”

  “I will not have my honor besmirched in my own home,” said Bazuul. “You wanted to confront your enemies alone. This is the most isolated place in the world.”

  “Wait,” said Tim. “How are we your enemies? Who the fuck are you? And what’s with the Christmas tree?” He looked at the tree. Julian’s horse was eating one of the ornaments.

  “I’ll tell you who I am,” said Gabruk. “Two moons ago, I was but –”

  Cooper raised his head and slapped his thighs. “I’ve got it! It all makes so much sense now.”

  Tim was willing to listen to any explanation he could get. “What have you got?”

  Cooper looked around excitedly as everyone, including Gabruk, Bazuul, and even Julian’s horse, stared expectantly at him. “Jin was the smoke monster.”

  Julian shook his head. “What?”

  “Think about it,” said Cooper. “Did you ever see those two on the island together?”

  “Spoilers, man!” said Dave. “I’ve only seen through season two.”

  “Well whose fault is that? The show’s, like, ten fucking years old.”

  “Hey! Hey!” said Tim. “Will you guys shut the fuck up about LOST? We’re in a situation here.” He turned to Gabruk. “Please continue.”

  “Two moons ago.” Rage burned in Gabruk’s narrowed eyes as he recounted his tale. “I was but a humble cobbler, but I had the love of a beautiful woman from a noble family. We were to be wed in secret that very night. We were nervous, as you might imagine, and decided to step into a little tavern and settle our nerves over a bottle of stonepiss.”

  Tim nodded. “I’m with you so far.”

  “On my way from the bar to our table, I slipped in a puddle of urine.” Gabruk glared up at Cooper, who appeared to still be thinking about LOST. “And you! When I tried to stand up, you broke wind in my face!”

  Julian stepped forward. It was Diplomacy time. “I’d like to apologize for our friend. He has a low Charisma score, and –”

  “The time for apologies is past!” shouted Gabruk. “The four of you laughed as I writhed on the floor, soaked in urine and the rancid vapor of a half-orc’s bowels!Tell me, do you remember me now?”

  Tim shrugged. “I don’t know, man. That could have been any number of nights. It sounds like we were pretty wasted.”

  “Felicia, the love of my life, broke off our engagement! She said I smelled like her father and she couldn’t go through with it.”

  “Oh, man,” said Tim. “That’s rough… and weird.”

  “I would have my bride and my vengeance!” said Gabruk. “I traveled the land far and wide, seeking someone who could grant me both. Eventually, I found and captured Bazuul.” He nodded up at the djinn.

  Tim looked up at Bazuul. “How did an NPC cobbler manage to capture a djinn?”

  Patches of pink faded into Bazuul’s green cheeks. “I was drunk.”

  Gabruk turned and walked further into the cavern. “Would you like to meet my bride-to-be?”

  Tim followed, wanting to get a better idea of his surroundings. Beyond the still-unexplained Christmas t
ree, the cavern was shaped like the top two thirds of a perfect sphere, carved out of solid rock. The base was lined with bookshelves, a polished wooden bar, a fireplace, and a long curving sofa, on which sat a short fat dwarven woman with a closely cropped black beard. She wore a yellow and green kimono that looked like it had been made out of someone’s grandmother’s curtains, and showed off her hairy cleavage.

  “Felicia,” said Gabruk. “Bid good day to our guests.”

  Felicia stood and bowed. “Friends of Gabruk the Magnificent are friends of mine.”

  Gabruk stood by his special lady. “These are not friends, my dearest. These are the ones who would break our bonds of love.”

  “Gabruk the Magnificent?” said Tim.

  Gabruk looked at the floor. “The wish for her affection was very potent.”

  “You used up a wish on that?” asked Cooper.

  Julian elbowed him. “Don’t be rude!”

  “What?” said Cooper.“She looks like Dom DeLuise in drag.”

  Felicia turned to Gabruk. “Our bonds of love can never be broken.” She grabbed his arm and crotch. “Take me now, my love. I thirst for your seed!” She shoved her own face into his and slathered him in slurpy kisses.

  Tim averted his gaze, which landed on Julian, who was cringing.

  Cooper looked down at his crotch. “I’ll never have an erection again.”

  “This is wrong,” said Dave.

  “So, so wrong,” said Cooper.

  “That’s not what I meant. This is no better than slipping a roofie into her drink. It’s unethical.” He took a step toward Gabruk, but Bazuul floated into his path.

  “I can allow no interference,” said the djinn, “nor harm to come to my master while I am under his command.”

  “Ha!” said Gabruk, prying his face away from Felicia’s. “That’s right!” He rubbed his hands together. “Now there’s the matter of my third wish. I have a bit of a dilemma, you see.”

  “How’s that?” Tim asked distractedly. He was still trying to get the mental image of two bearded dwarves sucking face out of his head. Was that racist? Or homophobic?Both? No. It was the slurping and sucking noises that had gotten to him.

  “I now have to choose between wishing myself and Felicia back home and my original plan to have you all vomit up your own internal organs until you died an agonizing death.”

  Julian frowned. “That seems… What’s the word? …disproportionate to our –”

  “Come on, man,” said Tim. “So we laughed at you for slipping in piss and getting farted on. That’s objectively funny.”

  Gabruk stomped on the floor. “You ruined my life!”

  Julian put his palm out at Tim. “Please. Let me talk.” He turned to Gabruk. “Think about what you just said. Take a look at your life.”Diplomacy check.“You’ve got everything you ever wanted right there beside you. You’ve got the love of a… beautiful woman.”Bluff check.“And you earned it. Look at the feats of greatness you’ve achieved in the name of love. Who are we, if not the catalyst which inspired you to achieve those feats?”

  Gabruk looked at the floor, as if considering Julian’s words. Tim gestured for Julian to keep talking.

  “Your first wish was born of love. Don’t let hate poison the well. You have one wish left. You could do or have or be anything you want. Do you really want to waste that kind of power on us?”

  Gabruk looked at Julian, then at Felicia. “I… I need to think.”

  Tim was hoping Julian would steer his speech into a suggestion that he’d use his last wish to send them all home, but not murdering them wasn’t a bad compromise. Still, if Tim was going to wind up vomiting up his internal organs, that wasn’t something he wanted to do while sober.

  “This is a nice place you’ve got here, Bazuul.”

  The djinn flashed a wide grin. “Thank you, halfling. I built this place ages ago. Here I can rest my body and spirit.”

  Tim pushed his limits of subtlety. “That’s a really nice bar.”

  Bazuul’s eyes widened suddenly, like a light bulb just went on in his head. “Say! Are you folks thirsty?”

  “Fuck yes!” said Cooper.

  Tim nodded eagerly. “What have you got back there.”

  “Wait ‘till you see it!” said Bazuul, suddenly rising up from behind the bar with a silver pitcher in one hand, and a tray full of glasses in the other. “You’re not going to believe it.”

  Tim licked his lips. “What is that?”

  Bazuul set the tray down and pointed at the pitcher. It rose from the bar and poured bubbly golden liquid goodness into six tall glasses. “An invention of my own devising.The Decanter of Endless Beer.”

  “Brilliant,” said Dave, his eyes welling up with tears. “Absolutely fucking brilliant.”

  Tim watched in awe as the foam rose over the rims of the glasses. “If I had three wishes, I’d use them all on this.”

  “I’d throw in a nut,” said Cooper.

  Everyone in the room, including Felicia and Gabruk, stood transfixed by the flowing beer. Even Ravenus perched, mesmerized, on the edge of the bar.

  Bazuul passed full glasses to Tim, Dave, Cooper, Julian, and Felicia. “And one for the bartender.”

  Gabruk cleared his throat.

  “Oh, I’m sorry!” said Bazuul. “Did I forget someone? Here you go, little guy.” He snapped his fingers and a small glass bowl appeared in front of Ravenus. The pitcher floated over and poured beer into the bowl.

  Ravenus bobbed his head. “Much obliged, sir.”

  Gabruk’s fists started trembling at his sides again. “Of all the…Bazuul, I would like a drink as well.”

  Bazuul smiled at him. “Is that right? Tell me, master. Just how badly would you like that drink? Your wish is my command.”

  Gabruk shook his fist at the djinn. “I could wish you into oblivion!”

  “Don’t bother, friend,” said Bazuul. “I’m about to get there on my own.”

  Gabruk’s anger was short-lived. He turned to Felicia. “My dear, would you mind giving me your beer?”

  Felicia handed over her glass. “Anything for you, my dearest love.”

  Gabruk grinned, raised the glass to Bazuul, and began to pour the contents into his mouth.

  Bazuul snapped his fingers, and Gabruk spat out a mouthful of what appeared to be salt. He hacked and coughed and spat out more of the white granules.

  Tim licked the tip of his finger, and touched the bar where some of the granules had landed, then tasted it. Definitely salt. It was almost too cruel.

  “WATER!”Gabruk rasped.

  “I’m afraid I don’t have any water on hand, master,” said Bazuul. “But if you wish, I’m sure I can conjure some up.”

  “Brraaaaauuuuugggghhh!” said Gabruk, flinging down the glass of salt as hard as he could.

  The glass didn’t hit the floor. It floated up and over the bar, right into Bazuul’s hand.

  “Be careful, master. This is glass.”

  Gabruk stomped around in a little circle, his face turning beet red as he tried to spit more salt out of his dry mouth. Suddenly, he stopped and looked past the Christmas tree. “Snow!”

  He ran past the tree. Julian’s magical horse whinnied as Gabruk shoved his way past it.

  The beer was delightful. Light and refreshing, it was the kind of beer Tim could drink all afternoon, getting steadily buzzed, but without getting drunk enough to start texting ex-girlfriends. It was the perfect beer, and this big green fucker had an infinite supply.

  “I’ve gotta know,” said Tim about halfway into his third glass. “What’s with the Christmas tree?”

  Bazuul furrowed his brow and looked at the tree, then back at Tim. “Do you mean the pukka pukka tree?”

  “What the pukka pukka are you talking about? I mean that big-ass tree right there, with the lights and red ornaments.”

  “Those are pukka pukka nuts.”

  “Get outta town. Are you fucking with me?”

  “See for yourself.”
Bazuul pointed his palm at the tree. One of the ornaments flew from the tree into his waiting hand.He gave it a gentle squeeze until it cracked. He lay the two halves on the bar, revealing a thick, light-brown layer under the shell, glistening with liquid of the same color.

  “Well I’ll be a motherfucker,” said Tim. “Is that edible?”

  “It’s delicious!” said Bazuul. “Here, try some.” A silver spoon popped into existence on the bar in front of Tim.

  Tim scraped some of the nut meat out with the spoon and put it in his mouth. The djinn had not steered him wrong. It was like a mix between chocolate and coconut.

  “That’s fantastic!” said Tim. “Can I have some more beer?”

  “Of course,” said Bazuul. When his back was turned, Tim slipped the spoon into his vest’s inner pocket.

  Bazuul held the pitcher over Tim’s glass, but didn’t pour. When Tim looked up, the djinn was frowning down at him.

  “Sorry,” said Tim. He reached into his pocket, but the spoon wasn’t there. Panicked, he looked up. Bazuul was holding the spoon. He tapped Tim lightly on the forehead with it and poured the beer.

  “That explains the ornaments,” said Julian. “But what about the lights?”

  “I wouldn’t recommend eating those,” said Bazuul. “They are enchanted stones.”

  Julian nodded. “I understand that much. But why did you decorate the tree with them?”

  “That they are decorative comes secondary to them being necessary for the life of the tree. I live in a cave, if you haven’t noticed. The pukka pukka tree is tropical, and requires much light.”

  Now that Tim thought about it, the answer seemed so obvious as to make the question sound stupid.

  “I must say,” said Bazuul. He had forgone the use of his glass, and was now drinking straight out of the Decanter of Endless Beer. “I built this place as a means to get away from everyone, but it’s nice to have some company.” He slammed the decanter on the bar. “I like you guys!”

  “I like you, too,” said Julian. He raised his glass. “Salut!”

  Tim and Cooper clicked their glasses against Julian’s “Salut!”

  Dave wasn’t so enthused. He ignored them and grumpily sipped his beer.

  Bazuul smiled at their strange custom. “Salut!” he shouted, and smashed the decanter into their glasses, destroying them utterly. “Sorry about that.”