4d6 (Caverns and Creatures) Read online

  “I’m pulling as hard as I fucking can!”

  “Idiot!” said Tim, who had climbed onto the branch he’d been hanging from. “Use your Barbarian Rage!”

  “Fuck y–” Cooper paused mid-expletive. “Oh, that’s actually a good idea. I’M REALLY ANGRY!”

  Julian wasn’t at an angle where he could see Cooper’s body hulking out, but he could see the expression on Dave’s face turn from panic to pain plain enough.

  “Ow! My fucking arm!” screamed Dave, but he started to rise.

  Hanging onto the branch with both legs and one arm, Julian inched a little closer to Dave. As soon as the vine was in striking distance, Julian hacked at it with the big dagger.

  “You’re doing it wrong,” said Tim. “Use the other side!”

  Julian was confused. Surely he didn’t mean... “You mean the handle?”

  Tim slapped his palm against his forehead. “No, dumbass. The other side of the blade. The serrated side. Saw, don’t chop.”

  Julian maneuvered the dagger in his hand until it was facing the opposite way. He sawed at the vine, and found Tim’s method to be much more efficient. The blade’s teeth cut through the vine in a matter of seconds. Dave, now free of the vine’s grip, rose out of sight.

  When Julian righted himself on the branch, Cooper was all bulked up, crazy-eyed, and sweaty, but Dave was curiously still out of sight.

  “Where’s Dave?” asked Julian.

  Cooper panted heavily as his body deflated into its usual flabby state. He looked up.

  Julian followed Cooper’s gaze, and found Dave straddling a branch about ten feet higher than theirs, hugging the tree trunk. “You okay?”

  “I’m not really big on heights,” said Dave. “And I think my right arm and left leg are a little longer than they’re supposed to be, but otherwise I’m good.”

  With a bit of coaxing, they were able to talk Dave down from his higher branch, and the four of them climbed down a branch on the east-facing side of the tree, where they were able to hop to the ground outside of the forest. There was still no hint of coastline. They were in some kind of valley, the view ahead of them blocked by massive, sheer cliff faces.

  Looking back into the tree tunnel, Julian caught the last of the bloodthirsty vines receding back into either side of the path, waiting for the next poor sucker who fancied a quiet walk through the woods.

  “That was a close one, eh?” said Ravenus. “Pity about the horses.”

  Julian shuddered. “Can you imagine if we hadn’t been on horseback?”

  “Yeah,” said Tim. “We’d have been fucked. Can I have my dagger back?”

  “Oh, you mean this dagger?” Julian held up the dagger, but didn’t offer it to Tim. “You mean the dagger you stole from the monster who wanted to eat us while I was in the middle of negotiating a peaceful resolution?”

  “That’s the one.”

  “How do you justify giving me shit about making a marked deck of cards after pulling a stunt like that?”

  “That was kind of stupid,” said Dave. “If they had caught you, it would have come down to a fight, and the only one of us that would have been armed would have been you.”

  Tim pointed at Dave. “That dagger just saved your fat ass.”

  “Just like my cards saved all our asses,” said Julian.

  “Okay, fine. Great job. Happy? Can I have my dagger now?”

  “Sure. That was all I wanted to –”

  “My father’s dagger!” shouted Raggart’s voice from behind them.

  “Never mind,” said Tim. “You keep it.”

  When Julian turned around, he found Raggart, Flargarf, and Horrig, approaching cautiously and brandishing long heavy-bladed machetes, the kind that would be ideal for cutting freshly-killed bodies out of a tangle of carnivorous vines. Horrig was also wearing Julian’s bag, though their difference in body styles meant that the cross strap had the bag resting just under Horrig’s armpit, rather than where Julian wore it at the hip.

  “I don’t want to seem unappreciative,” said Cooper, “but you guys kinda suck at giving directions.”

  Raggart grinned. “You made better time than I expected. Tell me, how did you escape the assassin vines?”

  Julian handed Cooper the dagger, stepped forward, and raised his fists in the air. “With the power of my great sorcery!”

  Tim and Cooper laughed through their noses, and Julian discovered what it felt like to fail an Intimidate check.

  “Listen,” Julian continued. “The only thing different between now and in your cave is that you don’t have a horde of bugbears to back you up.”

  “Do you think I fear death, elf?” asked Raggart.

  Julian took a step back. “Well I kind of thought... I mean, it’s only natural. Back at the –”

  “I would not risk the lives of the women and children of my clan, but I would take my own life before I surrender to an elf.”

  Julian scrambled to think of a way to help Raggart out of the bravado hole he was digging himself into. “Who said anything about surrender? We aren’t even fighting. We each mistakenly took something from the other, and this is just a hostage exchange. You give me my bag, and we’ll give you your dagger.”

  “Like fuck we will!” said Tim.

  “Tim,” snapped Julian. “Shut up! I’m trying to diplo... mate? Diplomaciate? Diplo–”

  “Don’t bother,” said Raggart. “I shall take my father’s dagger out of the half-orc’s dead hand.”

  Cooper stepped forward, brandishing the dagger. “You can take it out of my ASS!”

  The bugbears paused briefly to exchange confused glances, then continued pressing forward.

  Diplomacy had failed. A fight was inevitable. Julian was down to one first level spell in his head, but if he could get his hands back on his bag, he’d be able to use his back-up scrolls.

  “Everyone gang up on the one coming from ten o’clock.” Julian couldn’t recall ever seeing any clocks in this world, so the bugbears would have no frame of reference. His order might give them a slight edge.

  “Is that the one on the left?” asked Cooper.

  Julian sighed. “Yes, Cooper.”

  “What difference does it make who we attack first?” asked Dave, glancing at Horrig. “Hang on... Is this about your stupid cards again?”

  “What? Of course not! Why would you even – Wait... Do you hear that?” A strange and beautiful melody flowed down with the breeze from atop the cliffs ahead.

  To Julian’s surprise, the bugbears lowered their weapons and tilted their heads so that their ears faced upward, toward the source of the sound.

  “It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard,” said Horrig, a tear rolling down the long scar on his cheek. He did a complete about-face and started walking toward the cliff.

  Raggart’s eyes were watery as well, but he shook off the song’s enchanting effect when he spotted his subordinate retreating. “Horrig! Where do you think you’re going?”

  “The song,” said Flargarf, who now also turned his back on his leader. “Must... find... the song...”

  “Hey!” Julian shouted after Horrig. “Can you at least leave my bag behind?”

  Horrig didn’t respond. He and Flargarf continued their entranced journey in search of the song’s source.

  Scrolls or no scrolls, they now had enough of an advantage over Raggart that Julian might have another shot at ending their conflict without violence. He put his hands on his hips and attempted to smile in such a way that expressed confidence without being too cocky.

  “It would appear the circumstances have changed,” said Julian. “Do you still want to –”

  Cooper walked past him, dagger in hand.

  “Hey, Coop!” said Julian. “Chill out. We can end this peacefull–”

  “Surrender my father’s dagger at once!” demanded Raggart. “Or in Zabir’s name, I’ll –”

  Cooper tossed the dagger to Raggart. “Dude. Take it. Just shut up so I can hear t
he song.”

  Raggart dropped his machete to catch his prized dagger with both hands, then gawked at Cooper as he walked right by him. “Oh. Um... Thank you.”

  Cooper squirted out a fart in response.

  “Cooper!” cried Julian. “Why the hell did you –” Dave and Tim followed Cooper, mouths hanging open and eyes glazed over. “Guys! What the hell are you doing?”

  They continued walking as if Julian hadn’t even spoken.

  Ravenus was standing on the ground, watching everything in curious oblivion, when suddenly his chest puffed out and his beak opened wide. “What is that?”

  “Oh no, Ravenus. Not you too,” said Julian. “Come on. Shake it off. It’s just music.”

  “A thousand pardons, sir. I wasn’t speaking of the music.” Ravenus inhaled deeply. “Can you smell that?”

  Julian didn’t smell anything out of the ordinary, and didn’t make any efforts to sniff the air more acutely. If Ravenus thought it smelled good, there was a good chance it smelled like rotting flesh.

  “May I go sir?”

  Julian frowned. “Don’t go far. And if you see what’s singing, come back and report.”

  “Very good, sir!” Ravenus flew off in the direction of the cliff face, but stayed low to the ground. Julian lost sight of him beyond a drop in elevation.

  “I gave you an order!” Raggart barked at Horrig. He made a grab at his subordinate’s arm, but was elbowed in the face. “How dare you... Who do you think...” The shocked words honked out from his hands cupped over his face. Horrig paid him no further attention as he continued toward the base of the cliff.

  Julian wasn’t even going to try the same tactic on Cooper. He frowned at Raggart, who was still wheezing through his bloodied nose. “Do you think we should just follow along and see what’s going on at the source?”

  “Fools!” said Raggart. “Let them meet what fate awaits them!”

  “I don’t think you really mean that,” said Julian. “Those are your friends.”

  “They’ll be meat for the stewpot soon enough, as will you and yours.”

  Raggart was talking a big game, but Julian noted the conspicuous lack of stabbing he was doing as they walked together behind their entranced companions.

  Julian tried to think of something to ask Raggart. Something slightly personal, but not too intrusive. Just enough for them to do some bonding, so that maybe when they got out of whatever was going on here, they might be able to go their separate ways peacefully.

  “So... How many children do you have?”

  Raggart grunted and gripped the handle of his dagger more tightly.

  Too personal. Best to cut off that line of questioning. “I bet you’re a great father.”

  “My son was born with only two testicles, so we ate him. My wife is no longer able to conceive.”

  Fuck! Julian focused on trying not to look at Raggart’s crotch and finding a change of subject. Something else... Anything... Birds!

  “There sure are a lot of birds over there.” Straight ahead, just in front of the cliff’s face, black birds were hopping and flapping over something still obscured by the topography.

  “Indeed there are,” said Raggart, sounding much more interested than Julian had anticipated. “Carrion feeders, like the one you pretend to converse with.”

  “I’m not pretending,” said Julian. “We’re speaking in Elven.”

  Raggart snorted. “Of course you are.”

  “You believe what you want,” said Julian. “I’ve got nothing to prove to a guy who just wants to murder and eat me.”

  “Fear not, elf. We would not eat you, for fear of contracting your brain disease.”

  “I don’t have a –” Julian stopped. Maybe he could work with this. Maybe he could convince them that they all had brain diseases. “Sorry. I get confused sometimes since my friends and I escaped from the asylum. So... If you’re not going to eat us, what are you going to do with us?”

  “We’ll boil you in a separate cauldron and feed you to a rival tribe under the guise of peace negotiations.”

  Shit. Nothing gained there. “I was making that stuff up about the asylum.”

  “You are a persuasive one, elf. But you have already betrayed your contaminated brain.”

  “My brain isn’t contaminated!” said Julian. “I’m just as edible as your two-balled –” Whoa. Close call. Don’t say ‘son’. Don’t say ‘son’. “– mom!” Shit.

  Raggart glanced at him briefly before something ahead caught his attention.

  The base of the cliff was visible now. Those entranced by the singing were headed toward a steep staircase carved into the cliff, slightly to the right of where the body of a large humanoid creature lay on its back between concentric rings of jagged rocks on the ground, being picked apart by birds.

  Ravenus, being larger than the other birds, was easy enough to spot, tearing yellow-grey flesh loose from the creature’s shoulder. From the empathic link they shared, Julian sensed his familiar was in a state of gluttonous ecstasy. That made it even worse.

  Julian ran toward the corpse. “Ravenus! Get away from there! Ravenus!” He waved his arms and screamed to shoo the other birds away. “Scram! Go on, get out of here!”

  The birds ignored him until he got pretty close, at which point they exploded away in every direction, leaving only Ravenus behind.

  “Ravenus!” Julian said again.

  The bird’s head jerked to attention. He turned around and looked up at Julian. “Forgive me, master. I suppose I got carried away.”

  “Get off of him. You know I don’t like you to do this while I’m around.”

  Julian glanced over at his friends. They weren’t moving particularly fast, but he didn’t want to leave their side for long. If there was any information to be gathered here, he’d have to do it quickly. He looked down at the body.

  It was bigger than a man’s, with a disproportionately large head and arms longer than its legs. It had pointed ears, and an underbite big enough to accommodate the massive teeth of its lower jaw, jutting upward like a spiked fence around his upper lip.

  “What is that?” Julian muttered.

  “An ogre,” said Raggart, who Julian hadn’t realized had followed him. “Not dead long. Meat is still good.”

  The rough, hairy skin was covered in beak and talon marks. The eyes were missing, which came as no surprise to Julian. That was always the first thing Ravenus went for. More surprising was the missing genitalia.

  “Did you eat his junk?” Julian asked Ravenus.

  “I beg your pardon, sir.”

  “The things we mammalian guys have between our legs.” Julian gestured around his crotch area. “God knows you’ve seen Tim’s enough times.”

  “The little worm and berries, you mean?”

  “Um... yeah. I suppose so.”

  “No, sir. Those were missing by the time I arrived.”

  “Ravenus says he didn’t eat the dick.”

  “I should think not,” said Raggart. “Your bird is large indeed, but an ogre penis is enough to satisfy a full-grown bugbear.”

  “Is that right?” It was both a blessing and a tragedy that Cooper wasn’t around to ask him how many ogre penises Raggart had been satisfied by.

  “Besides, the wound is too even. This was the work of a sharp blade.” Raggart stared down at the blade of his father’s dagger.

  Julian looked over at his friends. They were waiting their turn as Horrig and Flargarf climbed up the first tier of the staircase. He didn’t have long if he was going to keep up with them. “Okay. That’s some good CSI stuff you’ve got going on there. What else can you see? How do you think he died?”

  Raggart gave a satisfied grunt and a nod. Of course. He didn’t want a buddy. He longed for respect, and deference to his Wisdom.

  “The removal of the genitals, and the circular pattern of stones suggest some sort of religious sacrifice,” said Raggart. “But I am not learned in such practices.”

  Juli
an stepped back and took a wider view of the pattern of concentric circles in which the stones were arranged. He let out a weak laugh. “You know what it looks like to me?”

  “What’s that?”

  Oh shit. “I know how he died. We have to keep the others from –”

  “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...” said a voice from above, growing louder and louder.

  “Sir, watch out!” cried Ravenus.

  Julian didn’t bother to look up. He ran as fast as he could to the outermost circle of rocks.

  “AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH–”

  SPLAT.

  Julian turned around to find another ogre lying face-down right where he’d just been standing. If the first ogre had suffered at all before opportunistic birds had taken his few remaining Hit Points, then this one was luckier. His head had landed on one of the larger rocks, obliterating his skull on impact. His ‘worm and berries’ were also missing.

  “This is no religious ceremony,” said Julian. “This is a target.” He looked up. Three hundred feet in the air, three creatures with bat-like wings hovered over the edge of the cliff. That’s where the song was coming from.

  “Harpies,” said Raggart. “It’s just as I feared. Our friends are compelled to seek the source of the song. They will not listen to reason. They outnumber us by too great a margin. If we try to restrain them as they climb, we will all surely fall to our deaths. There is another route up this mountain, but it is much longer. Would that we had a horse, we could –”

  “Horse!” said Julian. A strong brown steed appeared before them.

  Raggart looked at him. “Mighty sorcerer indeed.” He didn’t smile, but Julian felt a mutual respect building between them.

  Julian opted to hold off on telling him that he’d just spent his last spell for the day... not counting the backup scrolls that Horrig still held in his bag.

  When doubling up on a horse, the heavier person gets to sit in the saddle. They are the anchor. Being an elf, this usually meant that Julian was going to be the one with the sore arms and ass.

  Raggart rode in the saddle, and Julian wrapped his arms around him from behind.

  “Shall I scout ahead, sir?” Ravenus asked as they prepared to depart.

  “No,” said Julian. “Those things are dangerous, and they can fly. Why don’t you go keep an eye on the others? Don’t try to interfere. Just watch over them and report back if there’s anything you think I need to know.”