d6 (Caverns and Creatures) Read online

  "M-m-m-magic M-m-m," Julian tried to conjure up another magic arrow, but he stood there like a deer in headlights, knowing he was about to get chopped the fuck in half. He stuttered and stammered until a black blur whizzed from the right, straight into the orc’s side.

  The orc screamed in rage and pain so loudly that it drowned out the noise from the fighting. Ravenus's head was completely buried in the orc's Magic Missile wound. The bird’s feet found purchase on charred orc flesh, and he pulled his head out. He actually had bloody meat hanging out of his beak. When the orc's scream finally subsided, the noise of battle did not filter back in. Either the bear was dead, or even it had been momentarily distracted by the orc scream. The orc grabbed Ravenus, no doubt a bit miffed at seeing part of its pancreas sticking out of his beak. As big a bird as he was, the orc's hand wrapped around him easily. Just as the orc was bringing Ravenus to his mouth for a little payback, Julian's wits came back to him.

  "Magic Missile!" The glowing arrow flew straight into the orc's mouth. Light and sparks shone through his mouth, nostrils, ears, and the sockets where its eyes had just been. Red liquid eyeballs ran down either side of its face. A gush of blood and brain poured out of its mouth as it dropped to its knees. The body fell forward, mercifully hiding the molten orc face.

  Ravenus struggled out of the dead hand and slurped down his bit of orc innards. "That was a close one, sir."

  "What are you doing here?" asked Julian when he determined that he had successfully willed the contents of his stomach to stay where they were.

  "There was no point in warning the approaching travelers," said Ravenus. "They're already engaged in combat with the orcs. So I thought I'd come back and check on you."

  "Thanks."

  Julian started at something crashing through the brush behind him. He whirled around just in time to see a large figure charging right at him.

  "Magic Missile!" he shouted, and the arrow slammed right into the beast's chest, knocking it off its feet.

  "Fucking hell, dude!"

  "Shit, Cooper. I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

  Cooper struggled back to his feet. "No I'm not fucking okay. I've got a goddam hole in my chest."

  "Dave should be able to take care of it," said Julian.

  "We don't know where Dave is."

  "He's not with you and... hey, where's Tim?"

  "He's doing his rogue hiding bullshit. Waiting for me to find you." Cooper started back in the direction he'd come from, and Julian followed close behind.

  "Dave was supposed to meet up with you guys. Do you think he... whatever happened to the bear?"

  "It just fucking ran off. And then the orcs ran off in the other direction. I don't know what the fuck is going on."

  "The orcs went to do their ambush thing."

  They ran through the trees for a couple of minutes until Cooper stopped to catch his breath. "That Magic Missile hurts like a sonofabitch."

  "I said I was sorry."

  "What happened to you?" said an otherwise innocuous patch of shrubbery. And then it suddenly had eyes, and took on the form of a small person.

  "Damn, Tim," said Julian. "Your rogue skills are improving. I might have walked by you a thousand times without spotting you in there."

  "Cooper?" said Tim. "Your chest?"

  "Julian shot me."

  Tim looked at Julian.

  "It was an accident."

  "Where's Dave?"

  "I thought he was with you guys," said Julian.

  "Shit." Tim chewed his lower lip. "Well it looks like we're relatively free of danger right now. No point in keeping quiet. Dave!"

  Julian and Cooper joined in. "Dave! Dave!"

  "Help me!" Dave's voice came from somewhere in the grass beyond the trees.

  "Dave! Dave!" Cooper continued shouting.

  "Shut up," said Julian. "He answered already."

  "I didn't hear anything."

  Julian pointed to one of his freakishly long ears. "Come on."

  Cooper carried Tim in order to make better time. The three of them made their way out of the trees, to the site of the bear fight. They peeked out. There was no sign of the dire bear, but neither was there any sign of Dave. Outside of some orc bodies and stray arrows, the land was grassy and featureless.

  "Dave?" Tim whispered.

  "Down here." Dave's voice was only a few meters ahead.

  They walked forward. Dave was smashed into the earth, stuck in a Dave-shaped hole. His right hand was covered in blood and appeared to be clutching a broken stick.

  "Are you okay?" asked Julian.

  "Do I look okay?"

  "What happened?"

  "The bear stepped on me," said Dave. "I fucking hate animals."

  "What happened to your hand?"

  With some effort, Dave pried his forearm out of the ground so that it stuck straight up. The leopard fur was matted with mud. His gaze moved to his raised hand. He opened his blood-covered sausage fingers and dropped the back half of an arrow.

  "That's not my blood," he said.

  "Who's blood is it?" asked Tim.

  "It's bear blood. Just before that big bastard stepped on me, I was able to grab a stray arrow and brace it upward."

  "That must be why it took off," said Tim. "It's got an arrow stuck in its foot."

  "Poor thing," said Julian.

  "When you're done lamenting the minor foot wound of the giant monster bear beast," said Dave, "would you mind pulling me out of this hole?"

  Cooper did the honors with a tug that would have straight up pulled the arm right off anything built less sturdily than a dwarf. Dave left a perfect imprint of his backside in earth and flattened grass. If a bear were to step on him while he lay face down, he might be able to fill both holes with wax and make a life-sized statue of himself.

  Dave had no visible wounds, but no one could begrudge him using up another Heal spell after having been stepped on by an eight thousand pound bear.

  "You mind?" said Cooper, pointing at the charred and oozing circle of burnt flesh on his chest.

  "Sure," said Dave. They touched fingers, E.T. style, presumably so that Dave could minimize surface contact with Cooper's filthy half-orc body. "I heal thee," he said. Cooper shuddered and farted as his eyes rolled up in his head. The burnt flesh smoothed out and left a circle of clean grey skin in the filth.

  Now that the group was back together and had their immediate problems sorted out, Julian's attention refocused on the distant sound of fighting up the road. Not so much axes and swords clanging together, but quite a bit of shouting and bowstring twanging.

  Tim turned his head in the direction that the sounds of fighting was coming from. "We might still get there in time to help."

  "I just used my last healing spell on Cooper," said Dave.

  "And I used up my last Magic Missile," said Julian. He looked down at his feet. "Also on Cooper."

  "Dude," said Cooper. "I don't want to sound like a dick, but I honestly don't give two fucks about whoever that is up there. I just want to get back to the Whore's Head and drink myself to sleep."

  "Are you a fucking moron?" said Tim.

  Cooper scratched his head. "I'm not sure where the line is drawn. I've got an intelligence score of seven, so I'm probably on the fence."

  "The whole reason we got into this fight is because those orc bastards are blocking our way back to the Whore's Head."

  "Shit," said Cooper. "I'd forgotten about that. Well let's get moving." He started walking toward the road.

  "Hold on," said Tim. "Julian is out of spells. If we're going to fight, he needs something more than a stick. Julian, can you use a bow?"

  "I think so," said Julian. "The book said all elves can use bows."

  "Good. Go see if there are any functional bows lying around near the orc bodies."

  There was no shortage of available bows, so Julian took a moment to pick out one that was less covered in blood and gore than the others. He was less picky about arrows as he scooped up as ma
ny as he could carry.

  "For the record," said Dave, "I'd like to renew my objection to charging blindly into battle."

  "Less queefing and more moving," said Cooper. His axe was out and ready to chop.

  "Ravenus!" said Julian. "Come on!" He ran over to Cooper with his new bow and an arrow ready to nock. Ravenus appeared out of the dark sky shortly afterward and perched on his shoulder.

  Tim cocked his crossbow and ran his hand over the belt quiver on his side. He nodded. All eyes turned once again to Dave.

  Dave rolled his eyes and trudged forward, resting his mace lazily on his shoulder.

  They kept to the road until they were nearly on top of the fight. They couldn't see anything because there was a sharp bend in the road and it was heavily forested on both sides, making it an ideal location for an ambush, but they could hear it all right. Bowstrings twanged. Crossbows clicked. Orcs shouted orders at one another that Julian couldn't understand, occasionally peppered by a grunt or gurgle that he understood all too well.

  "Okay," said Tim, keeping his voice lower than what was probably necessary. "Dave, you and Cooper cut through the trees and surprise as many as you can from behind. Julian and I will try to pick some off from the other side of the road."

  "Your courage is inspiring," said Dave.

  "We've got to play to our strengths," said Tim. "Look at me! I'm only three fucking feet tall. I'm not made for hand to hand combat."

  "You only get your Sneak Attack bonus if you're within thirty feet of your target, though."

  Tim stopped to think, then looked up at Julian. "He's right. I should go with them. Will you be okay over here by yourself?"

  Julian shrugged. "I've got Ravenus to keep me company."

  "Okay," said Tim. "Let's go. He darted silently into the trees with Cooper and Dave crashing awkwardly behind him.

  Julian ran along the road on tiptoes until he was able to see what was going on. The first thing he saw was four horses lying dead on the road, forests of arrows poking out of them. Inching forward, he discovered that they were hitched to a fantastically large carriage. The wood was sturdy. There were at least as many arrows on the ground next to it as there were poking out of it, and those which were poking out were only barely hanging on by their steel tips. It was like a rolling fortress.

  Three small windows on the side of the carriage allowed the occupants to return fire, but the security they enjoyed came with the price of a lousy angle to shoot from. The front had a larger window, but it was currently shuttered.

  Julian watched the arrows fly out of the besieged carriage one at a time, at a glacial pace. More importantly, though, he listened. He was waiting for the sound of an orc's dying grunt that didn't coincide with an arrow being fired from the carriage. He only had to wait a moment before he heard what he was waiting for, but it came in the form of an agonized howl instead of a death grunt. Apparently, the guys had only wounded their first target. Julian could relate.

  He made his move anyway. He ran to the side of the wagon that wasn't being attacked, drawing the fire of a couple of orcs. Those arrows sailed harmlessly behind him. His heart beat hard and fast as he pressed his back up against the protection of the carriage.

  After a second had passed, Julian heard arrows begin thunking into the wood again. He pulled back his bowstring. Three. Two. One.

  He jumped out, locked eyes with the first orc he found, and loosed an arrow. It was a respectable shot, catching the target in the chest, up near its left shoulder. Not a mortal wound, but – A bolt sprouted out of the orc's neck, even as Julian assessed his own shot. Dark blood sprayed out like beer from a can that had been shaken up and thrown against the wall. The orc fell. Score one for Tim.

  Julian scanned the trees and underbrush, seeking out another target, but couldn't make any out. Arrows continued to fly at the carriage, but their sources were obscured by foliage. He held his bowstring back, waiting for the breeze to blow back a concealing branch, or for one of them to take a peek in his direction.

  By the time the pain in his thigh registered, he was looking down at three inches of wood poking out of it.

  "Yeow!" he cried, letting go of the bowstring.

  His cry was echoed a second later by a much deeper voice, and followed with "Mother fucker!" Oops.

  Julian hopped on his good leg back to the cover of the carriage, slamming his back against it. He looked at his leg. The arrow had gone all the way through. He had to pull it out.

  The shutters opened above Julian's head. "Be away with you, filthy beggar!"

  Julian looked up. A gaunt human face was looking down at him. He had long, curly brown hair spilling out from under a blue velvet cap. He had a waxy pointed beard, and a moustache that curved up at the ends, like he was wearing an upturned fleur-de-lis on his face.

  The shaft of the arrow burned in Julian’s thigh. "We're trying to help you, asshole." He shut his eyes, gripped both ends of the arrow, snapped off the fletching, and pulled the shaft through. "Fuck, that hurt," he said, breathing heavily.

  The dandy coughed a dismissive laugh and sniffed. "The day Leopold Lioncrest requires assistance from a vagabond elf is the day I eat my –”

  “Wha!” came the shrill screech of the other occupant of the carriage as an arrow thudded into the interior window frame, an inch away from Leo’s head.

  “Is that your daughter in there?” asked Julian, trying to appeal to the protective instincts of a parent. “For her sake, let me –”

  “That’s my son,” said Leopold, taking his startled eyes off the arrow that had nearly ended him. “You’re distracting us. Now be gone with you, or the next arrow you catch won’t be from an orc bow. Hmm?” He held up a fine polished crossbow and raised his eyebrows to demonstrate that Julian was supposed to be impressed.

  “Father!” cried the other voice from inside. “I hit one! I hit one!”

  “Well done, lad!”

  “That’s really your son?” asked Julian. “Because he kind of sounds like a –”

  Father’s pride winked out of Leopold’s face as he turned back toward Julian. “Now I’m warning you, elf. You had best move along by the time I count to three.” He hefted his fancy crossbow out the window and pointed it awkwardly at Julian. “One!”

  “Why are you being such a dick about this? I was only trying to –”

  “Two!”

  Julian put his arms protectively over his head. “Jesus Christ, man! Just hang on a second. Let’s talk about this!”

  “Thwargh…”

  Something heavy landed on Julian’s arms.

  “Ow,” he said. He opened his eyes. Leopold’s crossbow was in his lap.

  “Father!” cried the feminine voice from within the carriage.

  Julian looked up. Leopold’s lifeless eyes were staring down at him. His silk-gloved hands dangled a foot above Julian’s face. An arrow protruded from his mouth.

  "Look, man," said Julian. "I understand you're upset, and I'm sorry about your dad. But I was just trying to help, and he was being a total – hey, what are you doing?"

  The young man gesticulated with his hands while reciting an incantation that Julian was all too familiar with.

  "Oh shit." Julian attempted to shield his face with his arms, but knew in his heart that it wasn't going to make a difference. The Magic Missile caught him in the gut like a flaming steel-toed boot.

  Julian's mind flashed back to the orc's open wound, and had a pretty good idea of what his abdomen must look like, though the Magic Missile did no harm to his clothes. He fell back against a tree, trying to favor his left ass cheek so as to mitigate the pain in his right thigh.

  "Julian!" shrieked Ravenus, flying toward the face in the window. The man inside yelped, and managed to close the shutters just in time for Ravenus to smash into them with his face. Julian grimaced as he shared the bird's pain. It seared through his head like a hammer-induced migraine. Ravenus fell to the ground. With a considerable effort, he picked himself up and stumbled towa
rd Julian like a hobo at four in the morning.

  Julian lay on the ground and wished that whatever was going to finish him off would just hurry up already. His robes were sticky with blood seeping out of his abdomen and flowing out of his thigh.

  He brought Ravenus to his chest and resigned to sleep through the short and painful remainder of his life. He closed his eyes. It felt strange. Unnatural, somehow. Then he remembered. Elves don't sleep. Damn.